Have you ever wanted to unburden yourself from a problem or share a deep dark secret, perhaps of a difficult or sexual nature, with someone? If you have chosen to reveal your heart in this way, reflect on this for a moment: What was it that allowed you to feel safe enough to open up?

As I have personally pondered this question, I asked myself, “How can the church become a safe place where honest revelations of the heart can be shared?” I’ve come to several principles gleaned from Bible study, ministry, therapy, teaching and supervising counselors, as well as from friends and my own life experiences. I hope that some of these insights might be helpful.

1. Make honesty the only policy

We all desire to talk with someone who will honestly tell us what they think. Why? Because an honest person is a safe person – at least you know what you are getting is the truth. Good or bad, a friend is someone who does not withhold truth, but tells it like it is. Because we know that they have our best interest at heart, we are confident they will tell us the whole truth.

Yet, it does seem difficult for Christians to be honest. This is surprising because we make such a big deal about lying. It’s a sin to tell a lie, but we are all too human. Those half-truths and shaded meanings come quickly to the sons and daughters of Adam.

Perhaps we struggle with telling the truth because we have been taught that not being nice is the greatest sin. For the average Christian, the truth is, on occasions something, to be covered over and avoided because it is not nice.

“Why would this be?” you might ask. Confrontation and genuineness are a problem because, above all else, we often value being comfortable, not just with our surroundings but most of all with our emotions. Honesty makes us a little too uncomfortable: it means we have to be involved. “Do you really want to know what I have to say?” someone asks. Eventually, others might even see that we are not perfect and mention it to us. Then what would happen?

Twelve step groups teach that honesty is not just telling the truth, but the telling the ‘whole’ truth. Therefore lying is not just failing to be truthful about facts. Leaving out key events, emotions, thoughts and details or leaving a person with a different impression other than what is right or what really happened is also lying. Often in the church community, people try to be nice and so the reason given may not be the real reason.

Here is an example: Sister Wilson has no social skills. She is rude and as a result of her rudeness no one wants her to head committees or work with her. However, when she is rejected from serving she is told another more palatable reason to not ruffle any feathers. This lack of honesty makes it hard for people who have a real heart issue that they need to be honest about. The underlying message they hear is “We can’t handle the truth here.” These short-cuts or lies, the Bible calls them, end up short changing spiritual growth. In the effort to avoid conflict we fail to really love. Honesty creates the environment where honest revelations of the heart can grow. Honesty is the best policy because as Proverbs says, “the wounds of a friend are better than the kisses of an enemy.”