Same-sex attraction and Change…Is it possible? Story 3 of 4 – I kissed a girl…

Same-sex attraction and Change…Is it possible? Story 3 of 4 – I kissed a girl…

Third Testimony: Christine

I Kissed a Girl…But I Wasn’t Born that Way!

When I think back on my first steps into a homosexual relationship (I was 14 and am now 19 years old), I can see clearly now what I didn’t know then, that a) many factors influenced the decision I made that day; b) I had no idea how much those choices would impact my life, faith and how I thought about myself; and that c) God allowed me to experience hitting bottom so I’d follow Him with my whole heart rather than just continuing to “play church.” I’m grateful that God used all this to give me a heart for broken people—like myself—and especially for teens who are struggling to make sense of their own sexuality in the midst of so many different voices out there.

So, on that day when I was 14 years old, I skipped school with a friend and as we sat and drank a few beers she teased me about a girl who had said that she had feelings for me. I had never really put much thought into same-sex attraction or homosexuality until probably a few months before, when I started hanging out with this friend and a few others that considered themselves bisexual. When this girl told me she liked me I didn’t really know how to react. I wasn’t really attracted to her, but in the back of my mind lingered a lot of curiosity. As my friend and I sat there it somehow came down to her talking to this girl on the phone and telling her to come and meet us where we were. I kissed a girl that day. . . but wow, I had no idea about the can of worms that I had opened in my heart and in my mind that day! I remember going to work later and saying to myself, over and over, “I can’t believe I did that.” I was shaken. I went on to date this girl and to this day I still sometimes wonder why. I didn’t really care about her and did very little to please her.

But what this first relationship did for me was that it opened up for me a whole new realm and it wasn’t too long after this that I fell hard for a girl. What followed then was a succession of relationships that were based on infatuation—attraction followed by desire followed by involvement, and then starting all over again with someone new. I knew in my heart that this was wrong but my emotions and the rush of it all kept me “in.” I felt addicted to these relationships, wanting to do anything I could to make her happy. My teen life went on: girls came into my life and girls left my life—and guys did, too.

Over the past five years, there have been ups and downs for me as I have felt deeply the struggle with same-sex attraction. I’ve had countless people tell me that it’s impossible to change and that I would never be able to get out of this lifestyle. I was even taught by many Christians that “You are born this way, and that this is a part of you that is unchangeable.”

All that is a whole lot of baloney and is NOT helpful!

My brother or sister in Christ, if you take nothing else out of this story, please just remember that our God has no limit to what he can accomplish in your life. He is the author of grace. He is known for doing the ”impossible” and loves you more than you could ever fully grasp. If this is your struggle, I sympathize with you because I know firsthand that this is not an easy road. It’s a road that is one of the most difficult ones I’ve ever traveled on.

I know what it’s like to hold what you desire most in this world in your arms and let it go because it’s not right. I know how much letting go of a person can disintegrate everything you thought you were as a person. I know also that even in my lowest times, when I’ve turned my back to God, he always had a grip on me. How did I know that? Because I could never really feel at peace. It’s sad, but true, that if I could have been at peace at living in sin I would probably be writing a different story right now.

So hang in there and take it day by day. Change is possible, and so is getting out of a situation you feel totally stuck in. I don’t know where you are at today or what your story is, but please do not lose hope. Keep your relationship with God constant; surround yourself with people who lift you up and point you to his word and to Jesus. The Lord has blessed me and taught me so much. There is nothing like feeling loved, cherished, and desired from the God who created not only the universe but everything in it. The road will not be easy but by God’s grace we can all make it to the other side. Change is indeed possible!

Christine’s story gives a great picture of how some people (not all!) grow into a gay identity: a relationship that feels good; sexual/physical pleasure; and people all around affirming this as inborn and unchangeable. What do you think: have you or someone close to you walked a similar path of “growing into” a gay identity? If so, take encouragement from Christine’s story: she’s grown into a deeper faith through all of this. She knows more deeply that the God of heaven is a God of grace and love.

Harvest USA
About The Author
Ellen oversees the Philadelphia office’s ministry to women. Her ministry is focused on discipleship with women who are struggling with sexual and relational sins in their own lives, as well as women who are impacted by the sexual sins of their spouses or others. Ellen is available to teach, equip and encourage others (churches, organizations) to become more effective in ministering the gospel of Christ into the midst of all aspects of sexual brokenness.

4 Comments:


  • By sf 05 Jan 2013

    Thanks for posting this story. It is amazing how the word of God, and the truth within, can cut through a sea of voices and penetrate our hearts. This message really blessed me today.

    As far back as I can remember this has been a struggle for me: seeing my own sex as fulfilling or gratifying. Yet, knowing that God would have more for me, that his purposes are greater, speaks to a part of me that I had silenced. All these years I have known there is more, and felt that God has more for me, and I followed my desire simply because I thought it was all there was going to be. This message resonates with me. It affirms that which had been stilled in me a long time: the knowledge that God has more for me than my desires. More than that, he can direct my desire toward him. Thanks again.

  • By Kara Hawthorn 27 Jun 2013

    19 and an expert on life and “grace”?…..it sounds like she read half of that straight out of a “manual for sinners”……what she spoke of is exactly what straight kids go through with first love….. all the doubt + games……totally and yes unfortunately true simple because we never teach children about psyhcology and their healthy emotions / emotional intelligence……in school! we bypass THAT minor thing and give them total crap like sterile math + science + fairy tale myths/ whoops i mean “history”…….INSTEAD.
    its a primitive + deliberate poor education problem
    not a sexual deviancy problem…..( + i am an elem. teacher….. i know.)

    U guys will pay from GOD for torturing these poor kids.
    twisting their minds to suit your political agenda is the only sick thing
    around here. you had better renounce your sins.:)

  • By Kara Hawthorn 27 Jun 2013

    MODERATE THAT ! awwww…… can u take a little criticism? from someone you have the audacity to constantly criticize? or are u gonna shut out the full spectrum of opinion too ? ……along with emotion of course 🙂 oooooh cant wait 2 find out !

    ( be brave christine…… DONT stop being “strangely attracted” to beautiful people.
    INSTEAD: give up your addiction to random interpretation books written and re- written like 4000 times……and including such gems as human sacrifice and stoning a raped girl if she wont marry her rapist! AWESOME TIPS!!!!! yes, …..a pure + holy book…..

  • Ellen Dykas
    By Ellen Dykas 27 Jun 2013

    Kara,
    thanks for your thoughts and we do not expect everyone to agree with all that we put here. We are always thankful for people to be honest in mutually respectful ways in the midst of different opinions.

    The power of a person’s testimony is just that: it’s a story of God at work in the life of an individual. I know Christine personally and have been so encouraged as she has sought to be an authentic follower of Jesus, honest about her attraction to women and yet to have Jesus be the One who names her and gives her ‘identity’. This is the beauty of the gospel of grace: as loved sons and daughters of God, our identity is secure even as we each struggle while we live on earth. This includes all the nuances of sexuality and the struggles we have.

    Harvest USA has a 30 year history of welcoming anyone who comes to us, seeking to know how to apply grace to their life, relationships and sexuality. We’d agree with you that in general, the world around us and the Body of Christ hasn’t always done the best job of educating not only youth, but adults, about issues pertaining to sex. This is why we’re committed to discipleship and church education. If you’d be interested to read some of our discipleship material which was published this past year, entitled Sexual Sanity for Women: Healing from Relational and Sexual Brokenness, please feel free to send me an email and I’d delight to send you a complimentary copy!

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