Blog Archive

For a large majority of men today, the ubiquity of porn on the Internet and its ability to provide unlimited access to it (especially via search engines) means that the issue is no longer, “Have you looked at porn?” but rather, “Are you actively looking at porn?” Many wives may already fear or suspect that their husbands are engaging in pornography.

Looking at porn is not harmless (see the short video of Bob Heywood’s struggle with porn and its impact on his marriage). But the problem is that pornography usage is usually hidden, a closely guarded secret. What if you suspect that porn is impacting your marriage (or your relationship with your boyfriend or fiancé)? Here are some things you can look for, as well as steps you can take to bring healing.

Signs that may indicate usage of porn:

  • Unusual decrease in sexual activity between you and your husband—and increasing relationship distance physically.
  • Mental distance between the two of you. He’s physically present but not mentally there when you seek to engage him.
  • Late-night computer activity, especially a pattern of needing to use the computer after you have gone to bed.
  • He quickly changes the screen when someone comes into the room, and he is spending more and more time on the computer.
  • Secrecy regarding finances, like not letting you see credit card statements.
  • Any gaps in accountability for time and finances.
  • No history on the web browser after he spends time on the computer (keep in mind that private browser windows are pretty standard today, leaving behind zero web history).

What steps can you take?

Viewing pornography is sexual sin and is not “just what men do.” While painful and devastating for any wife to acknowledge, you must honestly face the reality of sexual sin impacting your marriage. Now is not the time to be passive. You have a vital role to play in helping your husband break free.

  1. Know that the Lord has comfort for you! He has not abandoned you or your marriage. Feelings of grief, shock, fear, and despair are normal for the wife who’s just discovered her husband’s porn usage. God is your compassionate Father and source of comfort and strength. (Read 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.)
  1. See this as a real threat to your marriage. Don’t deny it or hope that it will just go away. Now is the time for you to battle hard for your marriage through prayer, courageous confrontation, and humble reliance upon the Lord.
  1. Talk openly with your husband about your concerns. You may need to acknowledge that this is a common problem for men today, even Christian men, so come alongside him rather than take an oppositional role. Watch for his response to your inquiry. Is there defensiveness, anger, deflection? Check your own heart for self-righteous indignation.
  1. Pray for and seek helpers who can encourage you and pray with you. Seek out godly Christian women or any ministry leader who is a “safe” person for you to talk with (someone who has track record of godly living, is compassionate, and is trustworthy with confidences). Talk with your pastor.
  1. Don’t put yourself in the position of being his “porn police” or primary accountability partner. If he admits he is struggling, tell him to talk to one of his friends or his pastor to set up accountability. If there is a group of men who meet regularly for these issues, encourage him to attend.
  1. Do not think or accept (if your husband suggests) that his porn issue is your fault. He is responsible for his own behavior. His behavior comes from within his own heart (Matthew 15:17-20), and your behavior cannot cause him to look at porn.
  1. Consider marriage counseling with a pastor, counselor, or a trusted couple. This may be a perfect time for both of you to seek assistance to talk through ongoing issues or problems. Couples that do not talk openly about their struggles, needs, and disappointments (especially sexual problems and disappointments) are wounding their marriage. They need to be willing to look deeply at motivations and past events that affect their relationship with each other. Since sexual sin is so dangerous and powerful, it is something which must be dealt with openly—with the help of other Christians. Your marriage will not survive if this is not dealt with and if your husband refuses to seek help.
  1. Run to the Lord as your refuge! Psalm 16:1-2 says that God is your strength, hope, and safe place as you navigate these painful and scary waters in your marriage. You cannot control your husband’s heart or his response to the Lord, but you can bring your own needs, pain, and confusion to him, and you need to!

Christian couples dare not keep sexual sin hidden in the shadows. It will only get worse, and its potential to destroy the marriage is real. The hope of the Gospel is that in Christ we can find restoration, reconciliation, and victory, even over deeply embedded sin patterns. There is hope for deep change and profound healing through the power of Jesus Christ.

We have a great devotional book for wives dealing with this issue in their marriage. It’s called When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart, by Vickie Tiede. You can check it out here.

 

Today, the church is facing a major crisis, and few alarms are going off. It is a silent crisis, one that is spreading in the shadows of secrecy, and yet is doing great damage to the lives of those inside her walls.

I’m talking about the normalization of porn within the church.

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The title of this article presupposes two things: First, your children are being exposed to pornography, and second, you are already responding—even if you are doing nothing. Maybe you are tempted to toss aside this article with a shrug, “Well, my kids haven’t been exposed,

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Do you know the experience of slavery? Do you want to stop masturbating, looking at porn, having anonymous sex, etc., yet find that you can’t? You’ve probably made hundreds of promises to God and others, but your words increasingly ring hollow—even to yourself.

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Don and Dave are college students. Don asks Dave, “What’s you major?” and Dave replies, “Business Administration.”

“What’s yours?” asks Dave, and Don says, “English Lit.”

Don then asks, “So, what’s your minor?”

And Dave says, “Porn is my minor.”

After a long pause, Don incredulously asks, “Is that in . . . the Women’s Studies Department?”

The fictional Dave in this snippet of dialogue would probably never be this honest. But a study of 29,000 North American college students revealed that 51% of men and 16% of women spend up to 5 hours each week online “for sexual purposes” [Cited in Porn University: What College Students Are Really Saying About Sex on Campus, by Michael Leahy. Moody, 2009].

And catch this: An additional 11% of men spend anywhere from 5 to 20 hours on porn per week! That is a lot of carnal study. No wonder many say, “Porn is the norm.”

Is pornification just a crisis among non-Christian students? Not by a long stretch. Every campus minister with whom I speak says that almost 100% of the men who are student leaders in their ministry have or have had a fierce struggle with porn. Likewise, they add that most of their female student leaders who are dating stumble a lot with varying levels of sexual activity with their boyfriends.

What will happen to these Christian students if this practice is not dealt with? What will be the impact on their relationships, now and in the future? What will happen to the church if most of today’s rising Christian leaders have been habitually pornified and promiscuous?

If Christian students today see little or no problem with such sexual behavior, then it means they will use sex and porn as their recreational drugs of choice, as their habitual escape from the pressures and struggles of life. Whatever the motive, the end result will be disastrous: Pornified and promiscuous behavior leads to a divorce between love and sex, between committed relationship and intimacy.

Sex becomes just another commodity for consumers to consume. Sex is used not to glory God within the parameters of his design, but for sheer personal and self-centered reasons. This consumer mindset about sex will have devastating implications for when young people do marry. Expectations about sex will run up against the all-too-familiar struggles that every marriage encounters. The odds are good that, when dealing with such marital pressures, they will use the same escape mechanisms they utilized as students—porn and sexual encounters. But this time, it will be adultery.

Broken sexuality is not victimless. Affairs and porn usage devastate spouses, and they often lead to the break-up of families. Children then become the most innocent victims of a worldview mindset, so prevalent today, that sex is merely about my pleasure and my needs. Sex, used within that worldview, is far from harmless—it’s threatening, especially for society as a whole, as more and more families are torn apart.

How do we intervene into the lives of Christian students today to try and stop this tsunami of broken sexuality? This is what I’m going to explore over the next several posts. Let me hear your thoughts as well.

Updated 5.9.2017

Why didn’t God bring up masturbation in the Bible?

I came to Christ in 1971. I came to Christ as a teen as I was struggling with a constant habit of masturbating. Nobody knew that, because nobody would talk about it in those days, so I kept it to myself.

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This weekend, close to 2000 people are gathering in Philly for the annual conference sponsored by the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (www.ccef.org). The theme this year is “The Addict in Us All.”  There will be many seminars addressing the many facets of addiction. Substances, behaviors, thoughts, relationships.

How do you define addiction? A life-controlling thing? Something that has seized you? One way the Bible addresses addiction is in Hebrews 12:1-2 where followers of Jesus are called to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin which so easily entangles” (ESV). Habitual sin, activities, behaviors, thoughts, relationships, emotions that consistently entangle and encumber us from a Christ-centered life.

I’ve never been addicted to alcohol, drugs, porn, or even sex—but I have been what we might call a “people addict.” Or, like I said in my first post, an emotional connection junkie. Ed Welch of CCEF says that people are our favorite idols or addictions. We worship people and our relationships when we let them make or break our day, when they rise to the highest place in our thoughts, affections, and energies.

Are you a people or relationship addict? How do people “rule” you, and what has been helpful to you in your relational and spiritual journey to be free of these entanglements? What has helped you learn how to love and not use people?

Updated 5.22.2017

Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith were hanging out.

Jones says, “Listen to this quote: ‘My heart is restless until it rests in you.'” 

Smith laughs and retorts, “Must have been written by a girl.” 

Jones, quiet for a while, says, “Well, sometimes I am restless. In fact, last night, I spent three hours looking at porn.” 

Smith asked,”Was it good stuff?!” 

Jones:”I find that the free porn is okay, but you have to put out the bucks for something satisfying.”

Smith: “Three hours, eh. Must have been some hot stuff.”

Jones: “Naw, it was basically reruns.”

Smith: “So now you’re taking up reading Bible-looking books?”

Jones, holding the leather-bound book, says, “It’s St. Augustine’s Confessions.” Then, after a pause: “From the 5th century A.D.”

Smith: “What the…huh? Who? What are you talking about?”

Feeling dejected and a bit scorned by Smith, Jones left to take a walk with uncomfortable questions poking at his conscience.

“What do I really want?”

“Can I be satisfied with a woman made of pixels—a pixelated woman?”

“Wonder why she did that photo shoot?”

“What does she really want?”

“I wonder if she is as desperate as I am.”

 Jones stopped at a park bench. He took up the book, found his book mark, and read the whole quote.

“You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.”

________________

  • Are you like Jones?  Where does your restless heart wander?
  • And are you satisfied where your wandering heart takes you?
  • What, Who can satisfy your restless heart?

 Tolle Lege—”Take up and read”

Updated 5.22.2017

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