Same-Sex Attraction and Change: Testimonies—Part 1

The first testimony in this series is written by Ellen Dykas, Harvest USA’s Women’s Ministry Coordinator. She writes about being ‘spousal-sexual’—is it a new category to consider?

After I began to serve with Harvest USA, I attended an Exodus International conference in 2008 and participated in an open discussion among women’s ministry leaders who serve in sexual-wholeness related ministries. The focus of our discussion that day was this heated question: Is change really possible for the same-sex attracted person? In the room were nearly 25 women from all over the country, and they talked about the different stories of their homosexual experiences.

Many of the women were now living lives of sexual abstinence as singles, after having turned to Christ. There were a few women who, while at one time openly identifying as gay, were now married to Christian men. Others, who through emotional dependency found themselves in homosexual relationships, were now growing wisely in loving other women well within godly boundaries.

All their stories were testimonies of change, each one specific to her unique life. One testimony, however, really hit my heart. A married woman named Ann said, You know, I’m not attracted to women anymore, but I’m also not attracted to men; yet I adore my husband!”

Ann’s story of having grown in her identity in being a loved daughter of God, and then being ‘spousal-sexual,’ really rang true for me personally. I am not someone who is same-sex attracted, but I am also someone who hasn’t had the “typical” heterosexual crushes that my friends all had. There have been a few men with whom I have experienced emotional and physical attraction, but for most of my life I felt very “other.” I didn’t seem to fit in any category.

But Ann’s words really taught me afresh that it only takes one man to be a husband! So, I began to focus my prayers for relationship along this path: “Lord, if you have marriage for me, then I ask you to keep my heart and ALL my attractions guarded until and unless they be focused on

the man you’d have me to marry. I want to be ‘husband-sexual!’”

This freed me up so much and was another huge way the Lord moved in my own heart years ago to grow me in seeking to have my heart set on Christ and his will, rather than fitting into categories of sexuality that our culture (and the church, too) have defined as our identities.

For my next three blog posts, I’ll be sharing testimonies from women who have wrestled with same-sex attraction and also have been a part of the ministry of Harvest USA. Each of these sisters will share their unique stories and personal thoughts on how Christ brings true “change.”

What are your thoughts about the idea of “spousal sexuality?” Do you think as a category it is helpful or unhelpful? Please share your thoughts!

Updated 5.19.2017
Ellen Mary Dykas
About The Author
Ellen oversees the Philadelphia office’s ministry to women. Her ministry is focused on discipleship with women who are struggling with sexual and relational sins in their own lives, as well as women who are impacted by the sexual sins of their spouses or others. Ellen is available to teach, equip and encourage others (churches, organizations) to become more effective in ministering the gospel of Christ into the midst of all aspects of sexual brokenness.


  • By DMB 11 Dec 2012

    Off the top of my head, I’m wondering if being heterosexual at a base level and not having “typical” crushes on men as your friends seemed to have is a sign of maturity and sober-mindedness, not necessarily a sexuality issue.
    And, for those who have more spouse-focused attractions that don’t seem to be extrapolated to others of the complimentary gender, I wonder if that might have something to do with the risks involved in loving / allowing oneself to be attracted to a gender that can be a mystery. Or perhaps one may have past threatening obstacles that might take a lot of effort to work through. Once you find one person to trust, love and invest your life in, why go past that to open up yourself to a whole other area of sexual temptations / tensions, etc. when we are called to be faithful in marriage? (Kind of a “one-and-done” deal.)
    Again, just thoughts off the top of my head. These matters are very personal and I have no desire to paint anyone into a box, I’m only tossing around possible scenarios. Personally, I’ve experience a change in my desires that has been extrapolated to include the entire complimentary gender, and I can see good and not-so-welcome effects due to this.

  • By Ellen Dykas 13 Dec 2012

    thanks for sharing your thoughts! The ideas of a fixed “orientation” or even of our sexual attractions have become so elevated in our culture and in the current conversation happening all over about these things. I love that God in His Word makes is really clear that our identity is found in the way we do or don’t relate to Him and His precious Word. Because of the impact of sin on every aspect of creation, including our sexuality, no one experiences this aspect of who they are without some kind of angst, struggle, wondering. How good to know that Jesus came to give clarity and healing even into this part of who we are!

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