It’s so important for us teach young women that sex and sexuality are wonderful aspects of their created nature, but they aren’t ultimate. To learn more from Tim Geiger on this topic, read his blog, “On Being a Woman: A Father’s Words to His Daughter.”
Tim Geiger, President of Harvest USA, shares the words he is speaking to his daughter about being a woman made in God’s image and how this informs her understanding of sexuality. This blog was first published in our Spring 2018 harvestusa magazine on women, sexuality, and the Church.
Let me share with you the counsel I’m giving to my 14-year-old daughter about what biblical womanhood looks like from a father’s perspective.
To fathers everywhere, I make this earnest appeal: Teach your daughters that it is safe and good to live as a godly woman in a world that would teach them otherwise.
I make this parallel appeal, as well: model for your daughters what godly masculinity looks like. This is a huge topic; beyond my words in this brief article. Godly masculinity reflects what Paul says in Ephesians 5:25-26 about how husbands are to love their wives, and I believe it extends to how a father is to love his daughter as well: to love her with a fiercely sacrificial love, and to pour into her life every good thing she needs to fully grow into becoming the woman she is, created in God’s image.
That is our task as fathers, helping our daughters establish a biblical worldview concerning how to live as a woman.
I think this has never been more critical. The world in which my 14-year-old daughter is growing up threatens her as a woman. A culture shaped more and more by sensuality and sexualization (fueled by pornography) has left women more vulnerable to sexual exploitation, to be viewed merely for their physical beauty and sexual allure. The post-gender culture denies the separateness and uniqueness of being a woman.
Along with my wife and our church, I must help her discover what it means to be a woman who is faithful to the Lord’s design.
As her father, I must speak truth into the lies and confusion she hears from the media, from her peers, and from her own sinful heart. Along with my wife and our church, I must help her discover what it means to be a woman who is faithful to the Lord’s design. I want her to find her true identity in the Lord and not in what the culture says nor what others say about her. I want her to think of herself as God thinks of her.
Here are the words I am speaking to my daughter:
You are not inferior to a man. Women are equally created in God’s image, created to partner with men in kingdom work, and to reflect the Creator’s image and design throughout creation (Genesis 1:26-28).
But you are different from a man. The differences here are more than biological. Contrary to what the culture would have us believe, the roles of men and women are not interchangeable. God created Eve as a “helper fit for [Adam]” (Genesis 2:18) in marriage. Within that context, God provided an order: in marriage, the man is the head of the woman (1 Corinthians 11:3). These roles are not interchangeable. Reordering and redefining what God established leads only to confusion, chaos, and ultimately, to destruction. Living within God’s loving parameters is the only way to flourish in life.
The term “head” has several implications, but let me talk about one that is paramount: the husband is to be a servant leader—as Christ is to his Bride, the church. For our redemption Christ, our Husband, lays down his glory and life for his people. Human marriage functions allegorically. Husbands are called to lay down their lives for their wives, and wives are called to submit to their husbands’ leadership (Ephesians 5:22-27). But submitting to your husband’s leadership doesn’t make you a doormat; you are his partner in life, called to love him with a love that speaks into his life on all matters, including correcting him when he is wrong.
One more thing here. All women are single at some time like you are now, and some are called to a life of singleness. As a single woman, you are not called to submit to men in general, but you are to submit to Christ. One way you experience that is through the ecclesiastical authority he delegated to his elders in the church. They are not perfect, but Christ is, so always teach your heart to submit to him.
You are to be treated with respect and dignity. A woman should not be treated with less respect or dignity than a man. God does not treat his sons and daughters differently: he assigns to them all the highest level of esteem and blessing. That is one reason Paul writes in Galatians 3:28, “there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
Do not accept being sexualized as a woman. In this warped culture, women are sexualized both by men and women. Women are commercialized to attain an ever-changing ideal of beauty, and the pursuit of that is unhealthy. Our culture also sexualizes women by turning them into objects of lust (particularly pornography), making them nothing more than a means to an end to satisfy one’s own, self-centered desires. This isn’t love; it’s using others and being used.
You should never tolerate sexual harassment. Sexual harassment takes many forms. No one should make sexual comments about you or anyone else. Resist any threats or manipulation to coerce you to do anything sexually. Paul tells us: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths…” (Ephesians 4:29), and: “Put to death…sexual immorality, impurity, passion…” (Colossians 3:5). No son of God should treat any woman this way. No daughter of God should tolerate it.
You were made in God’s image as a woman. That is your core identity. You are a sexual being, but you are much more than that.
Your core identity is not as a sexual being. The world today says who you are as a person is based on your sexual attractions and desires. In other words, the deepest part of who you are is what you feel. But your feelings and attractions are fleeting and changeable. Our desires are fallen and subject to sin and corruption as anything else in life.
You were made in God’s image as a woman. That is your core identity. You are a sexual being, but you are much more than that. Your sexuality is an important part of you, but sex is not the ultimate thing in life. It is not easy to live as a single person, but it is doable. Do not think like so many think today, that to live without sex is a tragedy. God may call you to this, and in his Word singleness is a high calling (1 Corinthians 7: 8, 17-40).
You were created to bear the glory of God himself. That is your core purpose in life. You were created to reflect him to the world and help restore this world, now fallen, to again display his glory to all of creation. Live as one who will live forever. Jesus endured the cross “for the joy that was set before him” (Hebrews 12:2). What was this joy that propelled him into and through that suffering? That you and the rest of his people would live with him in a new heaven and new earth, in perfect and joyful union. That’s the glory you were created for: to be with the Lord forever, without the veil of sin and shame creating any barrier between you and the Lord.
Keep sex sacred and within God’s design for marriage. One reason sex was created is to be a physical act analogous to the mystical reality of the believer’s perfect, intimate union with Christ (Ephesians 5:32). That’s a lot to take in, but one thing is clear: sex is more than just a physical act. The world says sex is nothing but a biological drive meant for one’s enjoyment. This tragically diminishes sex, marring its deeper beauty.
God designed sex as a crucial part of the covenantal bond within marriage between husband and wife, who promise fidelity and exclusive intimacy with each other. To engage sexually with someone outside this covenant is sinful.
Sex is powerful, so do not take it lightly. As long as you are single, pray and work to steward your sexual desires, as you need to manage any other desires and feelings for anything else. Be governed by the spiritual gift of self-control (Galatians 5: 16-24). Jesus taught adultery is an issue of the heart, not the body (Matthew 5:28). To even look at someone with lustful intent is enough to break the seventh commandment. So to lust after someone else, and to engage in inappropriate touching, kissing, or any other physical or emotional interaction with someone else that could lead to sex is sinful. The Bible views any type of genital contact as sexual activity.
You are imperfectly loved by me but perfectly loved by God. As your earthly father, I will continue to lead, cover, and nurture you imperfectly as long as I live. But your heavenly Father loves you perfectly, knows you perfectly, and delights in you always. You are his precious daughter! He loves you well in all the ways in which I sometimes fail you. When you feel unloved, turn to him. When you feel lonely, seek first his companionship. When you feel rejected, seek comfort in his presence. Don’t look primarily for love and meaning in your human relationships. Realize that, ultimately, you are part of a “helper” fit for Jesus himself. Glory in that reality.