The fourth testimony in our series is written by ‘Emily,’ who writes, “I let go of a gay identity when I embraced my true identity in Jesus.”

Growing up Delaware, I never had any crushes or broken hearts on guys or girls. In high school, I began watching documentaries on public television about same-sex attracted people and found myself drawn to them. Into the void left by an undeveloped sexual preference, I began to place a preference on being gay as a sexual option, which I thought offered a stronger connection to others. It was this sense of connection that drew me in, along with the knowledge that being gay would give me a sense of identity. An attraction to women developed, but through my early college years in Los Angeles, I never pursued a relationship.

During that time I became a Christian, but after dropping out of college and entering the workforce, I began attending a gay-affirming church which taught that homosexuality was a God-blessed option. On my first visit, I fell in love with a woman wearing a tie-died T-shirt who was playing guitar for the worship team. Suddenly, my visit to this church took on a whole new emotional spark. I came out, was accepted as a lesbian, and made friends with others who embraced being both gay and Christian.

I began dating the woman with the tie-dye T-shirt, and that relationship continued off and on for several years. During that time, I struggled with a feeling that what I was doing was wrong. Even while I was thrilled with the relational connections I was making with other gay men and women, this feeling of wrongness never left me. I ended my relationship with this woman several times for this reason, but I kept asking her to come back. Finally, the relationship ended, once and for all.

I later moved back to Delaware and began attending a Sovereign Grace church. This church had just finished a series called Different by Design, and I immediately bought a copy of the sermons. They were about how men and women were created to be equal but were different. I learned how all of creation is ordered by the relationship between Christ and his bride, the church. I saw how marriage between a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, turned creation on its head.

I repented of my gay identity and began actively learning about marriage and what it would mean to be relationally committed to a man. Three months later, I met the man who would become my husband, and a year after that we married. I love my husband, and I enjoy the sexual relationship we share.

I still struggle with same-sex attractions. I still find women attractive, but I keep my eyes from lingering on their images in my mind. My strongest lesbian inclinations now only exist in my dreams. I sometimes awaken, longing for the connections provided by a gay identity, but I know now that there would be no sense of peace if I embraced that. I also know that my identity must be in Christ, and that is something I must keep my mind focused on. I have always longed to be known in a deep way. Whereas before I filled my longing to be known through the connections I made in my gay relationships, I now find that I am known deeply—by my husband and by God.

Updated 5.19.2017

I’m often asked, “What is God’s view of sex? Since God sees everything, does he see us having sex?” My answer is, frankly, yes. God sees what we are doing. He sees a husband and wife making love after the kids have gone to bed; he sees a young couple in the back seat of a car overcome with passion and lust; he sees it all.

What’s more, he sees beyond the behavior; he sees right into our heart’s motivation for sexual behavior. Why we do what we do is as important as what we do. Why else does Scripture tell us about a king who was looking from his rooftop at a woman taking a bath, except that God saw it all first? The Scriptures put it bluntly: “For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths” (Proverbs 5:21, ESV).

Believe it or not, but this reality—that God’s sees all we do—isn’t a bad thing. As a matter of fact, it’s really a good thing. I worship a God who encourages sexual activity. That’s right! What else does “be fruitful and multiply” mean but “go have sex, and plenty of it?”

But the one who gave us this incredible gift also knows the best way it should be used. And that is this: God encourages sex in a certain context, and that context is marriage.

That’s why I love weddings so much. All I see is Jesus standing there with open arms saying, “This is what I’m talking about!” Everybody in the church knows those two are going to have sex that night, and it’s okay with Jesus! He knows there is going to be some “delighting” (Song of Songs) going on. I’m not saying that waiting for your honeymoon night will be the answer to all your dreams. In fact, I’ve heard of some real horror stories concerning honeymoons. But what he asks is that the activity, which brings such joy and pleasure (and sometimes babies into the world), take place in a committed relationship, in some small way reflecting his relationship to us, his people.

God’s will for your life is to experience sex without shame. It’s better to not have sex at all than to have sex that brings guilt and shame. Sex is supposed to feel good. It’s supposed to feel good, not just when it is happening, but even more importantly, when it is over. It is supposed to end in thanksgiving to God for this wonderful gift.

I’ve been married for 38 years. After 38 years, let me tell you this: My sex life is better than ever! Why? Because both my wife and I thank God for where he has taken us in the journey of our relationship, experiencing the freedom and closeness that can only come from 38 years of committing to bless my spouse. Our sex life is better today because it’s more blessed today. Frequency and technique have nothing to do with it. Knowing God’s smile, encouragement, and will for our lives blesses us and confirms his promises toward us. We walk away from sexual activity confident and assured that God loves us and that he is glad when we make love. It’s true!

What I am saying is that God wants to bless you in your most intimate moments. Do you believe that?

Updated 5.10.2017

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